Things have been Crazy!!!

Sometimes I wonder how things can get so far off track. I make plans, I'm constantly making plans. Things I'd like to do, things I'd like to buy, places I want to go, how the next few years will go and so on. And things almost never work out to plan. I can usually make it from point A to point B, but never in the way I thought I'd get there. I guess that's how life is.
You never know what life has in store, or what will happen to get you from where you are to where you need to be.

Over the summer things were in crisis, I was unable to secure any student loans to help get us through the year. In the end after months of panicking I developed a plan to get us through to December. Unfortunately that plan didn't get executed quite as well as I would have liked. Leaving us a bit short. And thus I began working on a new plan, a better plan. A way to get to where we need to be. Even that didn't get executed the way I wanted.
But the good news is this, I have gotten pre-approved for a home loan! Which is very exciting. So I'm home shopping. Obviously with just my income (which is minimal while going to school) I can't afford a whole lot. But buying and paying a mortgage is far better than continuing to waste so much money on rent.

Since our last update, Halle had her 3rd birthday, which went really well. The semester started back up again, which is going alright. I feel pretty worn out most of the time. Halle also started preschool, which was a battle at first because she wouldn't listen to her teachers. But now she loves it and so do I. I'm busy finishing plans for my 10 year high school reunion. From here on out it's all details, decorations and collecting money.

Life has unexpectedly turned around and starting going our way. So I hope that continues to happen and I push through all the paperwork and necessary hoop jumping to get our home - and get us into it before Christmas. That's my big goal. To have Christmas this year in our first home that's all ours.

Life just keeps on sailing

That first shot was taken with one hand, one shot, and no viewfinder at the 4th of July parade in JC. Turned out pretty good huh?
Things are ok here, just enjoying the holiday and trying to help plan a few parties that are coming up. There is a major crisis going on, trying to figure out how to pay for my education and live during this recession. I'm a little tired of writing about it and talking about it, with a little luck we may make it through this semester at the very least. Right now I'm just trying not to focus on it, and enjoy the rest of our summer and the holidays.

We Love Summer

Halle and I spent the WHOLE day outside. First thing this morning I took a shower, we fed the animals and then ourselves. Then outside to fill the pool up. I had just planned on filling the pool up and then lettting it heat up before getting in, but my neighbor and her kids were outside already so we all ended up hanging out and playing in the pool. I blew up water balloons, we sat and talked, it was a great time. Sawyer swam in the pool as well.
Around 3 we all turned in for naps with plans to come back out around 5 or 6 and continue our day of fun in the sun. My neighbor loved our pool so much and thought it was such a good idea, she went out and bought one of her own!
So we took a nap, had dinner and then went back outside. By this point the sunburns had finally developed! I don't think any of us realized how long we had been out there. Halle isn't too bad, she's got a naturally dark skin tone from her father, but she's still a little red on the tops of her shoulders, neck, chest and her cheeks. But the rest of her just got a nice dark tan. Meanwhile, me being so white, I am burned almost all over! We put sunblock on for the second time around. Anyway, I made strawberry daquiries for Holly and I, and we watched the kids in the pool, got out the slip and slide, the sprinkler, toys, you name it. It was so much fun for the kids.

And the best news is that the owner of the company who manages our rental units (PPM out of Wichita) came by with the new landscaper they just hired and we'll be getting grass within a week I hope. They're going to finish putting in the sprinkler systems as well. I'm happy all of my phone calls finally got something done. And best of all, they are going to sod the entire side yard, no seed! I can't tell you how relieved I am. Initially they had said they were going to sod up to the corner of the house and then seed the rest. The problem with that is that any time it rains my entire side yard becomes a swamp and any seed would just be washed away until they fix the erosion problem, not to mention it will take 2-3 years for the seed to properly establish itself for a real yard. So having sod will be nice. I can finally get Halle's Little Tikes toy out of the driveway and into the yard, and put the pool in the yard, and have more room for Sawyer to run around. Here's hoping we'll have a yard to enjoy soon!

Videos

A safe trip

The trip to Omaha went reasonably well, though next time we will definitely be going without my mom. I need to focus more energy on accepting the fact that my family will never be who I want and need them to be. And I would have so much less stress in my life if I stopped trying to have all these Hallmark moments. My family doesn't want them, and Halle and I are much happier doing our thing without snide remarks and constant complaining.

Back to the trip, Halle did great, she even slept in her own bed at the hotel room. We made good time despite getting a little detoured in our attempt to avoid the detour on 77. How you get lost with a GPS in the car is beyond me. When we arrived and got settled in the whole family went to this place called The Amazing Pizza Machine. It's a huge buffet and arcade all in one, bigger than a Wal-Mart supercenter. We had dinner, and then played games for awhile. They even have indoor rides. Halle got to go on a couple rides with her grandma's and then played in the kids area while I kicked Alex's butt on the Go Karts. As if a 14 year old could out drive a 27year old! lol.

The zoo was good, but it was a little cooler than we'd planned on. We were able to ride the train, feed the budgies (birds), see the otters, and of course visit the new butterfly and insect pavillion. Halle got herself a penguin that we've named Parker as a souvenier, he joins Gerry the Giraffe from the last trip. We finished at the zoo early enough to go back to the hotel for a bit and lay down, we had dinner and went back to the hotel to turn in for the night. Thursday we went to the Childrens Musuem, which Halle loved and the rest of us were kind of annoyed by. Halle was so excited about all the stuff, all of which was just her size, she just kept running around from place to place. Screaming if I tried to stop her or direct her somewhere else, throwing things, trying to take things away from other kids etc. We spent a couple hours there and Halle has been asking to go back every single day. After the musuem we went to the botanical gardens, which was absolutely gorgeous! Even though the hard winter and spring kept a few of the plants, especially roses from blooming, everything else was gorgeous. We finished up early enough to hit the road by 5 and made it home by 8:30.

Halle went the entire trip without her binky!! It was really amazing and instead of taking a step back when we got home, we've continued without it. The only times she asks for it are during the day when she gets tired and cranky around nap time. She's totally in love with Parker Penguin and has him with her almost everywhere she goes. It worked out well that we already had this book she loves called Personal Penguin (it comes with a free song too that she loves to sing and is adorable). It's taking her longer to fall asleep now that she doesn't have the binkies to self soothe, but I hope this will get better as time goes by. She's been finding old binkies in the house and bringing them to me and asking if she can throw them away!

Today we got the baby pool back out, and both Halle and Sawyer had a wonderful time in it. Halle even got down in the water up to her face and swam. That's a big deal considering she's had a real hard time with having water in her face lately. Then Sawyer jumped in and started swimming and then diving down to the bottom, even doing sommersaults. It was very amusing. He's such a water dog.

Life is going pretty well so far this summer, I wanted to start this month off good and we've done that. Gymnastics start back up tomorrow evening, I'm sure Halle will be super psyched about that! Hoping everyone else is well!

Busy days

Halle and I spent all day cleaning the house ... ok actually I spent the whole day cleaning the house while she did her level best to destroy it. But in the end it all got done, laundry, the floors, put all the toys away, even shampooed the carpet. I thought it would be nice to clean the whole house before we leave for vacation tomorrow, so when we come home it will be nice and clean, nothing to do but unpack. Not to mention I don't want the neighbors seeing our place a wreck while they take care of the cats!

My toe still feels awful, and it looks even worse. I can't even bend it, and it spends most of the time taped to my 3rd toe as a splint. It's very deformed looking, which makes me wonder if I've somehow broken it completely since the initial break. I'm so excited about our trip to Omaha but I think it's going to be hard on my feet. The plantars faciatis and the broken toe are really going to be hurtin by the end of the day. But the trip will be worth it. We're leaving to pick up the minivan at 11:30 tomorrow morning and then leaving town by 2 so we can make it in time for dinner.

The second blanket is finished and i feel it turned out even better than the first. I'm already working on the third and hopefully can finish it by the end of this week. I've listed the 2nd one on ebay so hopefully it will sell soon and I can test the waters of our business venture.

Sawyer puppy is doing good too, still peeing all over my floor but at least he'll be peeing on someone else's floor for three days while we're gone. I know my grandpa is really looking forward to having the dogs, especially Sawyer. He's so in love with Sawyer it's ridiculous. Sawyer will stay at the ranch with grandpa and Gracie (my grandparents weimareiner/chocolate lab mix) and my mom's dog Jack, plus grandma's new puppy Penny. Yes all three of the puppies are named after Lost characters, that is no coincidence. Grandpa is definitely going to have his hands full with all the puppies, plus his birds and normal ranch duties.

I hope everyone has had a safe and enjoyable Memorial day weekend!

Halle Bear's Blankets!

Halle Bear's Blankets is officially off the ground. This is the very first of our blankets to be completed, crocheted and gift wrapped all for $45. I'm working on other colors and stockpiling blankets so I'm not working around the clock to keep up.

In general my blankets have always been popular among family and friends, my mom and grandma always request them when they have baby gifts to give. They're really perfect for baby shower gifts or as a gift for a new mom. As part of our business I decided it was important to gift wrap and attach a tag with our business name as well as care instructions. So each blanket is wrapped in a coordinating color ribbon (pink and blue will generally have "It's a Boy!" or "It's a Girl!" ribbon, and our business card with the business name and our e-mail address, with care instructions on the back of the card attached.

I'll keep everyone updated on how things are going!

My problem.

As the semester has winded down and next year is looming in front of me, I face a very large challenge. How to finance my education and housing expenses for the next year.

Up until now my mom has been helping to cosign private loans to fund the costs not covered by my financial aid - which is basically everything since tuition has increased every semester for the last two years. Now we have reached a point where we have borrowed so much that in combination with her current financial obligations we are unable to borrow anymore. We haven't even borrowed that much, it's just that she already has a 70k mortgage under her name, plus her car, plus her credit cards, and so forth all on her 50k a year salary. So lenders look at that, and look at my lack of income and what we are borrowing is disproportionate to her income.

My dad simply refuses to help, even though he paid for the vast majority of my younger brothers education. I'll just say that since I'm not the golden child, I do not receive help inany area of life. In fact I am essentially not a part of their family, as is demonstrated on the holidays and special occasions. Even though I am the only one in the family to receive a 4.0 or make the Deans list while in college, and even though I hold down a full time, 24/7 job of stay at home single mom, and make time to manage all the relationships in my life including my relationship with him because otherwise we wouldn't have one. Can you tell I'm a little frustrated and PO'd?

The only hope that remains is to ask my stepdad if he will help out ... even though he's been divorced from my mom for 7 years. Obviously we still have a relationship, I see him regularly, invite him to family functions and so forth since my mom and him still have my other younger brother Alex to share. But it's still a lot to ask to have faith in me that I will graduate and repay the loans without any harm being done to him. At the same time, without his help I will be forced to drop out of school, return to work, we'll have to move, I'll have to put Halle in daycare, give up my pets, and the list goes on ... Life would get very very hard if I had to give up school, because without a degree I have no way to pull down enough income to support us. Without a degree I'd be luck to make 16-18k a year. With my degree I will start at 30-35k. That's a huge difference.

So these are the things that occupy my mind lately. I'm trying not to stress out about it. I'm trying to just remember to take it one day at a time. At the very least we will be able to take out enough to make it through the fall semester. But I'm certainly not going to sit back and wait to see what happens. My biggest wish is that I could buy a house, so I'd at least be making a mortgage payment instead of wasting $12k a year in rent. But without any guarantees as far as cosigning loans and such there is no way to do that.

Tomorrow some time I'll be calling Marc to lay out the situation for him, and ask him to think it over and get back to me within the next week or so. Since I'll need to make a decision one way or the other about my future in education based on his decision.

Going along with this financial crisis, I have decided to start my own business. I've thought about Mary Kay, Avon and what not, but since I don't work anywhere it would be hard to develop a large enough customer base to really make money that way. But I have discovered I could put my talents to use another way ... by making baby gifts and selling them online. I crochet beautifully and my baby blankets have always been in demand amongst friends and family. I can easily complete one with about 6-10 hours of work. By buying yarn in bulk and building up a supply, as well as gift wrapping them and including a special tag with our business name and washing instructions, they will make the perfect baby shower gift, or gift for a new mom. I'm going to make about 10 and sell them on ebay for about $45, which I think is reasonable since the yard and supplies will cost around $20, another $25 to cover labor and gift wrapping and I'll have a tidy profit from each blanket. It won't be a big business for sure. But any income is better than nothing. I'm still tossing around ideas for a name, printing out little cards with a logo and name will be easy, then a simply hole punch and thread it on to some ribbonused to wrap the blankets and it will look stylish and professional. I was thinking "Halle's Hope" for a name, because I'd like to donate some of our procedes to various foundations. Or "Halle Bear's Blankets", "Jessa's Joy". Or things along those lines. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Our stay at the ranch has finally come to an end and we're headed home sweet home tomorrow afternoon. I'm so overjoyed. I enjoy the peace and quiet here, but I detest the bugs, wild animals and stinking piles of animal crap everywhere. I know Halle and especially Sawyer are going to miss it. They both enjoy the freedom to run around (yet another reason it breaks my heart that we can't buy a house) and it's so much safer than a park in the city or our unfenced tiny yard.

Halle meanwhile has been very onery the last few weeks. She quite literally doesn't listen to anything I say. She flat out ignores me when I'm talking, or screams NO! My least favorite thing is when she walks out of whatever room I'm in and I call to her, "what are you doing?" and she doesn't answer. I call it out a few more times, a little louder each time, until finally I have to go see what she is into. Usually it's not good. First off, why not answer me? I guess I probably know the answer to that, she's into something she shouldn't be so she doesn't want to answer for fear of punishment. But second, why does she continually go and get into things she KNOWS she shouldn't? It's just so frustrating that we have gotten to the point where she can't be left alone even if she's just in the next room? By now, at nearly 3, I should be able to do the dishes, or the laundry, or whatever it is I'm working on, without worrying that she's on the verge of burning the house down or whatever. For quite awhile she would just simply answer me when I asked where she was and what she was doing, she was in her room playing, or going to the potty, or playing with the cats or the dog. Now there is just silence because ignoring me is so much more fun. Grrrr. If anyone has any suggestions on that front as well, my ears are wide wide wide open!

Life continues to march on

My foot feels minimally better, except for the one toe everything is back to normal. Halle and Sawyer continue to drive me crazy. Halle is going through this phase of not wanting to listen to anything I say. She goes from room to room making mess after mess, getting into my makeup, spilling bubble solution all over the couch, getting into the dog food, getting into the cleaning chemicals under the sink (about a month ago she figured out the cabinet locks and can now get into them whenever she wants), and continually peeing on the bathroom floor ... yes peeing on the bathroom floor. She goes into the bathroom, insists she doesn't need help and screams at me not to come in. She then stands in front of the toilet and pees either all over her clothes or all over the floor. I honestly don't get it. Between her and Sawyer I spend all day every day cleaning up piss. She's clearly completely potty trained, she sleeps in regular underwear, she tells me when she needs to go. She just waits until the last second and then can't hold it once she gets into the bathroom. Meanwhile Sawyer has a bladder infection, he's been going 4-5 times in an hour ... all over my floor. When he goes it's tiny amounts too, and he's able to hold it all night in the kennel. I told the vet all of this today and she said we definitely should take a urine sample and gave me a syringe to suck it up with and a vial to put it in. Fortunately though, Sawyer decided to pee right there on her lobby floor! So we got the sample right then and there, no waiting! What a thoughtful puppy ... Anyway, they called this afternoon and said Yep, he's got an infection. We're picking up puppy antibiotics tomorrow.

Sawyer is also getting a little pudgy, eating table food with Gracie at the ranch has put a few pounds on him. He's now up to 20 lbs. Soon he'll outweigh Halle!

Finals are over. Thank goodness. Now onto summer vacation followed by 8 weeks of summer courses. At least Halle and Sawyer will be able to enjoy their summer. They will be spending Mon-Fri morning at the ranch with my grandparents, helping in the garden, running around and in general having fun until I get home to pick them up around 11am.

On a completely different note. Ava's service was beautiful, moving and heartbreakingly sad. I'm glad I was able to pay my respects, but in many ways I feel as though I was intruding on something private and painful for Amy and Nate. I'm worried about them, but I know they have an incredible support system of family and friends who are surrounding them and loving them right now. Their whole family is in our thoughts and prayers constantly.

In Loving Memory

Ava Rae Boeckman, born January 31st 2008, left our earthly world today May 7th 2008. A tender 3 months and 7 days old.

I've known Amy since we were kids going to the same elementary school. I've kept up with her and her family through their incredible blog www.kadenboeckman.blogspot.com. I am so saddened by Ava's passing, my heart is aching for her and her family. As a mom I cannot imagine what they are experiencing right now. I wish I could offer words of condolence or some sort of profound wisdom that would in some way assuage their grief, but there are no words. I've always felt like an overly empathetic person, and days like today are no different. I genuinely wish and pray that I could help to relieve some of the pain they must be feeling. Ava's soul and spirit have touched so many through her wonderful and incredible mom, there are many many people grieving for her.

The Boeckman family will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Tonight I'm going to be hugging and kissing my daughter a few more times, and telling her how much I love her to the point of annoyance. Because there are no guarantees in this life, and right now I'm reminded of how bitterly unfair life can be when such an incredible family loses such a sweet and beautiful little girl. Please keep them in your thoughts as prayers as well.

A Brief History

Since there have been many new visitors to our blog, I thought it best to give a little history to my life.
My name is Jessica, I'm 26 (soon to be 27 in about 6 weeks) and a single mom to one pretty amazing 2 1/2 year old named Halle. For the last two years I've been a full time student at K-State working on my degree in secondary education. I hope to someday teach public speaking and communications at the high school level, eventually getting my masters and teaching at a collegiate level.
Like many single moms, I got involved with the wrong guy, ended up pregnant and eventually left him. Halle and I have been on our own since before she was born. Things have been crazy, hectic, chaotic, trying and truly joyful and fulfilling all at the same time.
My blog is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as I try to provide Halle with all the things I think she deserves.

A victim of my own stupidity

This is the "bad" foot. On Friday I got our new tv, but unfortunately the old tv hadn't sold yet so I had to move it off the tv stand by myself. This is the consequence of not being married or in a relationship, you have no man or man friends around to help you move heavy objects. Like a dumbass I thought I could move the tv on my own. It's a 32 inch Sony Trinitron and weighs 165lbs.

I thought if I could just ease it down from the entertainment stand and onto the floor that I could scootch it into the spare room. Well I was somewhat correct in my assumption. I got it down off the entertainment center, but as I was easing it on down to the carpet it sort of ... fell on my foot. That's right. 165lb tv on my foot.

At first I didn't think it was that bad, it really didn't hurt much and it didn't seem like it had come down that hard on my foot. But once I had gotten my foot out from underneath the tv I knew it was pretty bad. I watched as my foot started to swell and bruise right before my eyes.

Obviously it was very painful and it's been very difficult to walk, and of course my foot is all sorts of pretty colors right now. I went the whole weekend before finally going to the hospital on Monday and having x-rays done. Turns out I broke my 4th toe, which I already figured I had. But nothing else is broken thankfully, it could have been much worse. All in all I'm banged up but it will heal in a couple weeks. So I'm wearing a soft cast on my foot and on crutches as I need them, motrin and ice and rest. That last one is really hard when you have a 2 1/2 year old running around trying to destroy your house and your sanity. (she's really succeeding on that last one lately).

I've learned that most of the time I am entirely too independent for my own good. I think I'm superwoman and I can develop a strategy to accomplish anything I want. Which more often than not leads to some type of injury. Mothers day and our trip to Omaha are just around the corner though, so with a little luck I'll be all healed up soon.

A long time

It has been many months since Halle and I posted on blogspot. Mostly because we've been busy on myspace, and just busy in life in general. But since many of our friends are on blogspot and the community seems to be growing immensely, we are back to update.

I earned a 4.0 for the fall semester, and the spring semester is nearly over. I'll be taking two summer classes on campus to play a little catch up. Halle will be going to preschool in the fall when I finally have to be on campus 5 days a week. I'm excited and scared and sad all at the same time. I know she needs the interaction with other kids and other adults, to learn and be in a social situation, but I'll miss her dearly. Time flies by so quickly and before we know it our kids are growing up before our eyes. I wish I didn't have to be on campus so much, but there is just no way around it. I look at this time as an opportunity, a chance for me to be home more often with her while I'm in school until it's time for her to go to school.

We got a new puppy at the end of March, his name is Sawyer and he's an English Springer Spaniel. He's only 3 months old now so it's been an adventure having him and Halle in the same house. The cats aren't very fond of him ... even after a month. But I'm hopeful when he stops chasing them around trying to bite their tails that maybe they'll tolerate him better. Halle tends to get him all amped up and he frequently tries to bite her, but I'm hoping he'll grow out of that. He's just being playful, but he can get overly excited at times. He's a bit cuddle bug and love bug, just like Halle, so we're all well suited. He's super smart too.

My best friend Lindsay had her baby girl on march 13th, the same day as my mom's birthday. I was blessed enough to be there for the event and it was incredible. Two weeks later was when we got Sawyer, and the same day we picked up Sawyer I took Halle and my grandma to see Disney Princesses on Ice while it was in KC. It really was incredible!! I expected to be a little bored and annoyed quite frankly, but it was amazing and Halle absolutely loved it! There was acrobatics, and flying, and of course skating. A fire breathing dragon, Mickey and Minnie (that was Halle's favorite part), and our seats were the best part for me. We were literally on the ice! Second row, center ice on top of the ice in the actual rink. We could feel the cold from it beneath us, and could feel the heat from the fire breathing dragon. It was so amazing. I took over a 100 pictures!

We're taking a family trip to Omaha at the end of this month, for three days this time. I've got it all planned out, picking up the rental minivan at noon on Tuesday the 27th, leaving around 3pm for Omaha. Arrive around 6pm, check into the hotel, then we're going to the All American Pizza Factory, which is like a Chucky Cheese but better. Wednesday is the zoo, Wednesday night is dinner at Jazz, then Thursday is the Childrens Museum and the botanical gardens, followed by dinner and driving home. My grandma is going with us this time, and we're getting two hotel rooms so I can actually get some sleep this time (sleeping in the same room with my mom is always a mistake, she snores so loud she could wake the dead, I just hope we can't hear her through the adjoining wall of the hotel rooms).

In about a month or so we're going to KC to Nebraska Furniture Mart to pick out Halle's new bedroom furniture and possibly a new washer and dryer - the spin on my set is going out, I bought the set used for only $300 and who nows how much it would cost to have to fix it. I'll be 27 at the end of June ... whoopie doo. And I'm still single despite a brief foray into the dating world again. I met a very nice man, we went out a few times, get along very well, but in the end it just didn't feel right. My biggest problem as a single parent is that I don't trust anyone, and I don't want to invite anyone into our lives who isn't going to be there for a long time. That translates into not wanting to bring anyone into my home period until we've been dating for quite awhile. But because I don't really trust anyone, I would much rather be at home with Halle anyway, and feel that one night a week out is way too much. Even once every two weeks seems excessive to me. I can't really expect to meet or become involved with anyone if I'm only willing to go out one night every two weeks, and insist on being home by 10pm. I keep hoping my friends will come up with someone really great for me, and that if I meet the right person the rest of these trust things will just fade away. But it's been nearly 3 years and that hasn't happened yet. Besides, all but two of my friends are married, and married people tend to hang out with other married people.

To Amy, Nate, Kaden, and Ava, you are always in our thoughts and prayers and I just wanted to give you a special shout.