I'm a terrible blogger I know ...

Among other things, I'm a terrible blogger and even my own once beloved journal has sat by the wayside for years.

Becoming a parent means becoming someone else, your identity changes in some fundamental ways. I have become a more loving person, a stronger person, and a more resillient person. I have never been someone who let others define who I am or what is expected of me. If I am told no, I find a way to make the answer yes. I do not let things stand in my way. And that has never been more true than when I became a parent. Through the last couple years I have been to the lowest lows, and I have managed not only to climb my way out but to never let it affect my daughter.

Throughout this journey, of single parenthood, of collegiate and professional success, and in striving to become a better person, I have learned a lot, sacrificed at times too much, and gained a new life. I am not the person I use to be. The person who had time to write pages in her journal about things that seem so insignificant now, or write blogs about and to my daughter. I miss that person, who had leisure in her life and didn't need to keep a schedule. And yet I know I have never been as happy as I am right now.

I know my own worth. I work hard every minute of every day. And that makes the down time that much more valuable. Life is slipping by and I can't document every moment of it, I have to remember it.

Let's hope I'm doing an ok job at that ...

Things have been Crazy!!!

Sometimes I wonder how things can get so far off track. I make plans, I'm constantly making plans. Things I'd like to do, things I'd like to buy, places I want to go, how the next few years will go and so on. And things almost never work out to plan. I can usually make it from point A to point B, but never in the way I thought I'd get there. I guess that's how life is.
You never know what life has in store, or what will happen to get you from where you are to where you need to be.

Over the summer things were in crisis, I was unable to secure any student loans to help get us through the year. In the end after months of panicking I developed a plan to get us through to December. Unfortunately that plan didn't get executed quite as well as I would have liked. Leaving us a bit short. And thus I began working on a new plan, a better plan. A way to get to where we need to be. Even that didn't get executed the way I wanted.
But the good news is this, I have gotten pre-approved for a home loan! Which is very exciting. So I'm home shopping. Obviously with just my income (which is minimal while going to school) I can't afford a whole lot. But buying and paying a mortgage is far better than continuing to waste so much money on rent.

Since our last update, Halle had her 3rd birthday, which went really well. The semester started back up again, which is going alright. I feel pretty worn out most of the time. Halle also started preschool, which was a battle at first because she wouldn't listen to her teachers. But now she loves it and so do I. I'm busy finishing plans for my 10 year high school reunion. From here on out it's all details, decorations and collecting money.

Life has unexpectedly turned around and starting going our way. So I hope that continues to happen and I push through all the paperwork and necessary hoop jumping to get our home - and get us into it before Christmas. That's my big goal. To have Christmas this year in our first home that's all ours.

Life just keeps on sailing

That first shot was taken with one hand, one shot, and no viewfinder at the 4th of July parade in JC. Turned out pretty good huh?
Things are ok here, just enjoying the holiday and trying to help plan a few parties that are coming up. There is a major crisis going on, trying to figure out how to pay for my education and live during this recession. I'm a little tired of writing about it and talking about it, with a little luck we may make it through this semester at the very least. Right now I'm just trying not to focus on it, and enjoy the rest of our summer and the holidays.

We Love Summer

Halle and I spent the WHOLE day outside. First thing this morning I took a shower, we fed the animals and then ourselves. Then outside to fill the pool up. I had just planned on filling the pool up and then lettting it heat up before getting in, but my neighbor and her kids were outside already so we all ended up hanging out and playing in the pool. I blew up water balloons, we sat and talked, it was a great time. Sawyer swam in the pool as well.
Around 3 we all turned in for naps with plans to come back out around 5 or 6 and continue our day of fun in the sun. My neighbor loved our pool so much and thought it was such a good idea, she went out and bought one of her own!
So we took a nap, had dinner and then went back outside. By this point the sunburns had finally developed! I don't think any of us realized how long we had been out there. Halle isn't too bad, she's got a naturally dark skin tone from her father, but she's still a little red on the tops of her shoulders, neck, chest and her cheeks. But the rest of her just got a nice dark tan. Meanwhile, me being so white, I am burned almost all over! We put sunblock on for the second time around. Anyway, I made strawberry daquiries for Holly and I, and we watched the kids in the pool, got out the slip and slide, the sprinkler, toys, you name it. It was so much fun for the kids.

And the best news is that the owner of the company who manages our rental units (PPM out of Wichita) came by with the new landscaper they just hired and we'll be getting grass within a week I hope. They're going to finish putting in the sprinkler systems as well. I'm happy all of my phone calls finally got something done. And best of all, they are going to sod the entire side yard, no seed! I can't tell you how relieved I am. Initially they had said they were going to sod up to the corner of the house and then seed the rest. The problem with that is that any time it rains my entire side yard becomes a swamp and any seed would just be washed away until they fix the erosion problem, not to mention it will take 2-3 years for the seed to properly establish itself for a real yard. So having sod will be nice. I can finally get Halle's Little Tikes toy out of the driveway and into the yard, and put the pool in the yard, and have more room for Sawyer to run around. Here's hoping we'll have a yard to enjoy soon!

Videos

A safe trip

The trip to Omaha went reasonably well, though next time we will definitely be going without my mom. I need to focus more energy on accepting the fact that my family will never be who I want and need them to be. And I would have so much less stress in my life if I stopped trying to have all these Hallmark moments. My family doesn't want them, and Halle and I are much happier doing our thing without snide remarks and constant complaining.

Back to the trip, Halle did great, she even slept in her own bed at the hotel room. We made good time despite getting a little detoured in our attempt to avoid the detour on 77. How you get lost with a GPS in the car is beyond me. When we arrived and got settled in the whole family went to this place called The Amazing Pizza Machine. It's a huge buffet and arcade all in one, bigger than a Wal-Mart supercenter. We had dinner, and then played games for awhile. They even have indoor rides. Halle got to go on a couple rides with her grandma's and then played in the kids area while I kicked Alex's butt on the Go Karts. As if a 14 year old could out drive a 27year old! lol.

The zoo was good, but it was a little cooler than we'd planned on. We were able to ride the train, feed the budgies (birds), see the otters, and of course visit the new butterfly and insect pavillion. Halle got herself a penguin that we've named Parker as a souvenier, he joins Gerry the Giraffe from the last trip. We finished at the zoo early enough to go back to the hotel for a bit and lay down, we had dinner and went back to the hotel to turn in for the night. Thursday we went to the Childrens Musuem, which Halle loved and the rest of us were kind of annoyed by. Halle was so excited about all the stuff, all of which was just her size, she just kept running around from place to place. Screaming if I tried to stop her or direct her somewhere else, throwing things, trying to take things away from other kids etc. We spent a couple hours there and Halle has been asking to go back every single day. After the musuem we went to the botanical gardens, which was absolutely gorgeous! Even though the hard winter and spring kept a few of the plants, especially roses from blooming, everything else was gorgeous. We finished up early enough to hit the road by 5 and made it home by 8:30.

Halle went the entire trip without her binky!! It was really amazing and instead of taking a step back when we got home, we've continued without it. The only times she asks for it are during the day when she gets tired and cranky around nap time. She's totally in love with Parker Penguin and has him with her almost everywhere she goes. It worked out well that we already had this book she loves called Personal Penguin (it comes with a free song too that she loves to sing and is adorable). It's taking her longer to fall asleep now that she doesn't have the binkies to self soothe, but I hope this will get better as time goes by. She's been finding old binkies in the house and bringing them to me and asking if she can throw them away!

Today we got the baby pool back out, and both Halle and Sawyer had a wonderful time in it. Halle even got down in the water up to her face and swam. That's a big deal considering she's had a real hard time with having water in her face lately. Then Sawyer jumped in and started swimming and then diving down to the bottom, even doing sommersaults. It was very amusing. He's such a water dog.

Life is going pretty well so far this summer, I wanted to start this month off good and we've done that. Gymnastics start back up tomorrow evening, I'm sure Halle will be super psyched about that! Hoping everyone else is well!

Busy days

Halle and I spent all day cleaning the house ... ok actually I spent the whole day cleaning the house while she did her level best to destroy it. But in the end it all got done, laundry, the floors, put all the toys away, even shampooed the carpet. I thought it would be nice to clean the whole house before we leave for vacation tomorrow, so when we come home it will be nice and clean, nothing to do but unpack. Not to mention I don't want the neighbors seeing our place a wreck while they take care of the cats!

My toe still feels awful, and it looks even worse. I can't even bend it, and it spends most of the time taped to my 3rd toe as a splint. It's very deformed looking, which makes me wonder if I've somehow broken it completely since the initial break. I'm so excited about our trip to Omaha but I think it's going to be hard on my feet. The plantars faciatis and the broken toe are really going to be hurtin by the end of the day. But the trip will be worth it. We're leaving to pick up the minivan at 11:30 tomorrow morning and then leaving town by 2 so we can make it in time for dinner.

The second blanket is finished and i feel it turned out even better than the first. I'm already working on the third and hopefully can finish it by the end of this week. I've listed the 2nd one on ebay so hopefully it will sell soon and I can test the waters of our business venture.

Sawyer puppy is doing good too, still peeing all over my floor but at least he'll be peeing on someone else's floor for three days while we're gone. I know my grandpa is really looking forward to having the dogs, especially Sawyer. He's so in love with Sawyer it's ridiculous. Sawyer will stay at the ranch with grandpa and Gracie (my grandparents weimareiner/chocolate lab mix) and my mom's dog Jack, plus grandma's new puppy Penny. Yes all three of the puppies are named after Lost characters, that is no coincidence. Grandpa is definitely going to have his hands full with all the puppies, plus his birds and normal ranch duties.

I hope everyone has had a safe and enjoyable Memorial day weekend!