We've had a rough day. A rough few days actually. I find myself frazzled, the house is a disaster, I can't get anything done, and it's all owing to the pint sized terror in my house. Even Mellie the infinitely patient sitter is losing it when dealing with Halle and the constant pushing of boundaries and breaking of rules. I know it's normal, I know that this is just a phase, and it will surely come and go over the next few years as every phase does. I think it's just even more trying because there is no break, when she has a bad day I'm the only one here to deal with it. To get screamed at and have to dole out the punishments and try to be consistent and loving while stressing to her that what she's doing is wrong. After days like today I just want to scream. I want to drink myself into a coma and sleep till noon the next day. I want to hire someone to clean my house because the miniature tornado has not only destroyed it once again but kept me from picking it up. I want a day at the spa and some time to recharge so I don't feel so tired all the time. I want to take Halle out to do fun stuff and have things go to plan instead of dealing with a toddler who's either throwing a fit or running in the opposite direction. All this I feel every day. I'm frustrated both with myself and with her. And then ...
I'm in her room, sitting by her bed, I've just read her our usual nighttime story. We kiss, hug, I tell her I love her and she tells me she loves me and we say night night. I leave the room to start cleaning up dinner, shortly after that I hear her on the baby monitor. "Momma?" Over and over she calls me, I go into her room and sit by her bed and she says "Lay in momma bed?" In the sweetest voice, the voice of the little girl who isn't spoiled or giving me attitude or being defiant. The voice of my daughter who loves her momma and just wants to lay next to her while she sleeps. I pick her up and put her in my bed, I lay down several hours before I'd planned on it. I get to watch her as she watches me reading and slowly her eyes get heavy and she falls asleep. I get to here the telltale sigh, every time she falls asleep she sighs and I know she's out.
Those are the kinds of things that recharge me for the next day of terrible two's, for whatever new tricks she has up her sleeve or whatever new ways she comes up with to challenge me. I'm handling it, I'm dealing, and trying to do the best that I can to turn out a great kid. Sometimes I worry that I'm failing her, failing her by being a single parent, failing her when I lose my patience or get annoyed with the non-stop monologue (seriously if she's awake ... she's talking!!). Then I remember that she loves me, and I love her. For better or worse we've got each other and we're attached. She'll keep testing me and I'll do the best I can on any given day. I knew I'd have a smart kid, a kid who would have a stubborn, independent, and crafty spirit. I also sense that I'm getting some payback for the first two wonderful and easy years!

One small victory for Momma

The "terrific two's" ... I love Halle dearly, and there are so many moments every day that I wouldn't trade for anything. And yet the temper tantrums, attitude, and constant pushing of the boundaries and rules wears my patience thin. A part of that is because I handle everything in this house on my own every day, just like millions of other single parents, without any break. One of the toughest challenges is enforcing the rules and punishments even when it's hard, even when it breaks my heart, and even when I'm so tired I just want to cave.
Yesterday Halle refused to pick up her toys. I took away her Elmo TMX (her new favorite toy), she still didn't pick up the toys. I took away her notebook, she still didn't pick up her toys. I asked over and over, I told her she would go in time out if she didn't pick up the toys. This has been an ongoing battle because she should be helping mommy around the house a little, and especially picking up after herself when she's done playing. She threw herself on the floor and screamed at me. Finally I took her into her room and told her she was in timeout, and this time I did something drastically different. I shut the door. Normally I leave the door open so I can see what she's doing, but she just runs out and hides from me and I have to keep taking her back to her room. She screams, she says she's sorry, she says she loves mommy. My heart is breaking, how can I leave her in her room?? I go back in and I tell her it's either stay in her room or pick up her toys. All she says is sorry. I close the door again.
I come back about five minutes later and ask her if she's going to pick up her toys, she says yes and that she's sorry. She comes out and I show her what I want her to do, picking up a few toys and showing her how to put them in the toy bin. Success!! She needed a little encouragement but she picked them all up!
It was hard, it's always hard to stay the course, but I know in the end we'll both be better off for it. She needs to know that there are rules, and she needs to know that when I ask her to do something she needs to do it. There are consequences for disobeying and breaking rules.
Kudos to both mom and Halle for navigating the ever changing world of toddlerhood.

Always the Bridesmaid

Halle is doing wonderfully, aside from the continual temper tantrums that is. I'm anxiously awaiting the cold that must surely be coming soon. Halle hasn't been sick since the end of December last year, almost an entire year without so much as a head cold.

Yesterday they began installing the sod in our front yard, with a little bit of luck we may actually have a full yard by the end of this week. Halle and I are both really excited about this, having a yard for her to play in finally after four months is great. In other news, my friend Lindsay called yesterday to say her boyfriend of several years has finally proposed! The wedding date is still up in the air, but it's possible there may be a small ceremony sometime soon to satisfy her parents and then a larger wedding after the baby is born. As of tomorrow Lindsay is 20 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, possibly to be named Olivia or Lily. I'm really excited for her and things are going great. Her birth will go towards the hours required for my doula certification, now I just need one more friend who wants me as a doula and I'll have my three births under my belt!